Archive for the ‘Nutty Jokes’ Category

Incredible sight of the elephant that cried

Posted By Staff

Date: July 7th, 2014

vet elephantIndia – These incredible pictures show the moment an elephant who was held in chains and beaten and abused for fifty years cried as he was released to freedom.

Raju the elephant was left bleeding from spiked shackles and living on hand-outs from passing tourists after he was captured and tied up by his ‘owner’.

But, after 50 years of torture, the animal cried tears of relief after he was rescued by a wildlife charity in a daring midnight operation – fittingly on American Independence Day.

North London-based charity Wildlife SOS stepped in to save Raju from dying in his bonds after learning of his plight in India.  More

 

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Do you realize…

Posted By Staff

Date: June 6th, 2014

40Today’s Nutty Joke 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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New White House Press Secretary

Posted By Staff

Date: June 5th, 2014

nothingToday’s Nutty Joke

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Female Intuition

Posted By Staff

Date: May 28th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

femaleToday’s Nutty Joke

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Group Picture

Posted By Staff

Date: May 21st, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

groupThe children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or “That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

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Phone Call

Posted By Staff

Date: May 19th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

phone bedIt was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? … How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?” — and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

The husband replies, I don’t know.

Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

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Dead Cat

Posted By Staff

Date: May 15th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

teacher kinA kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy,

“I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

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A Man With No Enemies

Posted By Staff

Date: May 14th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

church  old manMeet Walter Barnes. Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

Everyone held up their hands except one man, Walter Barnes. “Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. “Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-eight,” he replied.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes” – and he calmly returned to his seat.

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Ol’ Fred’s Preacher

Posted By Staff

Date: May 12th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

oxygenOl’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Please step to your left — you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

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The Famous Sea Captain

Posted By Staff

Date: May 4th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

ship merOnce upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange
envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain’s body to rest, the s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and… The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left
Starboard Right

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Morning Coffee

Posted By Staff

Date: April 17th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

folgersA little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.

He made it himself and was so proud.

He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”

Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV,

‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’”   More Nutty Jokes

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Airport Baggage

Posted By Staff

Date: April 16th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

baggageI couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

‘Now,’ she asked me,

‘Has your plane arrived yet?’

(I work with professionals like this.)  More Nutty Jokes

 

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Penis pub sign goes viral online

Posted By Staff

Date: April 12th, 2014

wigUK – A Cornish pub attracted some apparently unexpected attention when it put up a sign to let customers know it was still open.

The sign, put up during roadworks in Truro town centre, announced simply: “The Wig and Pen is open for business.”

But the signwriter raised eyebrows by failing to leave sufficient space between the words ‘pen’ and ‘is’, reports the local West Briton newspaper.

The sign was put in place to make customers aware the pub remained open throughout roadworks by the South West Water company that closed some streets in Truro to traffic.  More

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More young women choosing dogs over motherhood

Posted By Staff

Date: April 12th, 2014

doggie momAmerica’s next generation of youngsters should be called “Generation Rex.”

If you’re wondering why playgrounds around the city are so quiet and dog runs are packed, a new report has an answer: More and more US women are forgoing motherhood and getting their maternal kicks by owning handbag-size canines.

Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention show that a big drop in the number of babies born to women ages 15 to 29 corresponds with a huge increase in the number of tiny pooches owned by young US women, reports the business-news site Quartz.

Dog-crazy New York ladies told The Post that they aren’t surprised by the findings — and that they happily gave up diaper changes, temper tantrums and college funds for the easy affection of their doggy “child.”  More

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The Temperance sermon

Posted By Staff

Date: March 25th, 2014

Category: Nutty Jokes

preacherA preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,

“For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

More Nutty Jokes

 

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