Archive for the ‘Nutty Jokes’ Category

I brot youz a flower…

Posted By Staff

Date: April 24th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

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Potty-training

Posted By Staff

Date: April 23rd, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

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North Korean Carrier group departs to attack California, Hawaii – Tora! Tora! Tora!

Posted By Staff

Date: April 22nd, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

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The Bus Driver

Posted By Staff

Date: April 21st, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts, so the driver happily munches them.

Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.

Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?

Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth.

Driver: Then why do you buy them?

Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

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The beautiful Grandfather Clock

Posted By Staff

Date: April 14th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

A man is in a pawnshop and sees this beautiful Grandfather Clock and winds up buying it.

He asks the owner if he can deliver the clock and the owner replies that he cannot make deliveries.

So only living a few blocks away the man decides to strap the clock on his back and carry it the few blocks.

After a block or so, a drunk comes staggering out of a bar and bumps into the man knocking him down on his back and smashing the clock to bits.

He then jumps up and starts cussing the drunk out and saying “look what you did to my beautiful clock you idiot.”

The drunk then replies, gee buddy I’m really sorry why don’t you wear a wristwatch like everyone else.

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Olive Oil

Posted By Staff

Date: April 12th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

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Living Will

Posted By Staff

Date: April 11th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living  Will.”

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.”

“If that ever happens,  just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all  the beer.

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Jack Daniels Fishing Story

Posted By Staff

Date: April 9th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

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School Days

Posted By Staff

Date: April 8th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

“Wake up, son. It’s time  to go to school!”

“But why, Mom?

I don’t want to go.”

“Give  me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

“Well, the kids hate me for  one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

“Oh, that’s no reason not to go  to school.

Come on now and get ready.”

“Give me two reasons why I  should go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old.

And for  another, you’re the Principal!”  TodaysNuttyJoke.com

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How To Get To Heaven

Posted By Staff

Date: April 4th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class,

“If I sold my house and  my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get  into Heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church  every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into  Heaven?”

Again the answer was “No!”

“Well”, she continued, “then how can  I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

“You gotta be dead!”

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The priest and the little boy

Posted By Staff

Date: April 3rd, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks,

“And now what, my little friend?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

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This guy needs a job…

Posted By Staff

Date: March 30th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.

As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

They tell this guy that they’ll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.

This isn’t so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage.

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.

He’s terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help, Help!”

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and growls.

“Shut up or we’ll BOTH lose our jobs!”

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Two Lawyers

Posted By Staff

Date: March 27th, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers,

“What is this?”

to which lawyer number one replies,

“It’s that $50 I owe you.”

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The Note

Posted By Staff

Date: March 22nd, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

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Today’s Nutty Joke

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Late For Work

Posted By Staff

Date: March 21st, 2013

Category: Nutty Jokes

Tags: ,

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident.

A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street.

His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere.

Thank God I took that first-aid course.

“What did you do?” asked the bartender.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

 

 

 

 

 

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