Archive for the ‘Today’s Nutty Joke’ Category

“What is this photo-shoot for again?” “Don’t worry, just lie there and look happy”.

Posted By Staff

Date: July 20th, 2018

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happy

 

When it’s fire season in your state.

Posted By Staff

Date: July 19th, 2018

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fart

Hoarding Level: Pro

Posted By Staff

Date: July 18th, 2018

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pro

My German Shepherd is afraid of thunder and lightning.

Posted By Staff

Date: July 17th, 2018

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german

I lost my job. You guys mind if I crash here?

Posted By Staff

Date: July 16th, 2018

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cart

Careful what you fish for.

Posted By Staff

Date: July 15th, 2018

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careful

She’s got legs.

Posted By Staff

Date: July 13th, 2018

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My local septic service has a sense of humor.

Posted By Staff

Date: July 12th, 2018

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meals

Luggage Regulations

Posted By Staff

Date: June 6th, 2018

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luggageExplaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants.

One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag.

The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.

Without blinking the attendant said,

“My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn’t make it a carry-on.”

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Cure For Lateness

Posted By Staff

Date: June 5th, 2018

bossBob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.

After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “the pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss,

“But where were you yesterday?”

Father’s Occupation

Posted By Staff

Date: June 4th, 2018

saw“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

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The Experimental Drug

Posted By Staff

Date: June 3rd, 2018

capA lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a capsule, but warns her that it’s still experimental.

He tells her to open it and put the powder into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great!

I put it in the potatoes like you said!

It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!

The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay.

We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

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Leftovers

Posted By Staff

Date: June 2nd, 2018

meat“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night’s supper.

“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal.”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister submissively, “….again!”

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The Clinic

Posted By Staff

Date: May 31st, 2018

waitOne day at a local clinic, the doctor is outraged to see that he has no patients to examine.

So he called his assistant to ask what happened.

His assistant replied, “I asked the patients if they are feeling okay, and they said ‘no’, so I told them to go home and get plenty of rest!”

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The Actress

Posted By Staff

Date: May 30th, 2018

cryingAn actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist.

“I’m a nothing!” she cried.

“I can’t sing.

I can’t remember my lines.

I can’t dance, I can’t even act.

I really don’t belong in show business.”

“Why don’t you quit?” the doctor asked.

“I can’t,” moaned the actress.

“I’m a Star!”

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